The Teen Years: Parenting Tips for Success

FEATURED GUEST WRITER
Julie Wise:
Life Consultant and Relationship Coach

“Just wait til they’re teenagers!”  I often heard that from friends when my children were little.  It sounded like a threat, and I dreaded those double-digit years.  Yet, when the moment finally arrived, they turned out to be the best years in our relationship.  That’s not to say we didn’t face challenges!  The difficulties served to strengthen our connection, make us dig deeper and remember that we’re here for each other, no matter what.

The teen years are challenging for a reason.  It’s the time when youth discover who they are as individuals.  The learning process involves trying out fashion, attitudes, and activities to find a comfortable fit.   Conflict arises when their choices differ from their parents’. However, teens need to go through this to learn to make their own decisions and take responsibility for their lives.

How can parents ease this transition?  Starting from a young age, give children age-appropriate responsibility for their lives and their choices.  The choices may be limited when your child is five, but the experience helps children develop independence and the skills to make good choices later in life.  When mistakes are made, allow them to experience the natural consequences of their actions.  For example, if your teen-aged daughter is caught shoplifting, the impact of going to the police station, being charged, and appearing in court will likely have far more lasting effect than any lecture or punishment you could impose.  Your quiet support beside her in court lets her know she is loved and accepted, even though you don’t approve of her actions.  Ultimately that’s all any of us wants to know – that we are loved unconditionally, even when we occasionally mess up.

Good relationships are based on communication, trust and mutual respect.  Communication is more than just talking; it involves active listening as well.  This means being willing to set aside your thoughts, and hear what your child is actually saying.  This is more challenging as children become teens with strong opinions and ideas.  A power struggle often ensues which no one wins.

Remember how important this phase of your teen’s life is.  He is learning to think for himself, analyze situations, and stand up for what he believes in.  His opinions won’t likely be the same as yours, and that’s a good sign.  It means he’s preparing to leave the nest and take care of himself.  Hard as it may be, try to allow time and space for him to express his ideas, keeping in mind that he’ll likely change his mind within 24 hours … or less.

When your teen does something that pushes your buttons, pause before you speak or act.  Take a moment to remember that you are the adult, and the role model.  Consider the impact your words and actions could have on your long-term relationship with your child.  If you need time to calm down, take a deep breath and walk away, explaining that you do want to discuss the situation when you’re calmer.

Acting out at this age is no different than temper tantrums at two.  The underlying purpose is to clarify who’s in charge, and where the boundaries are.  As parents, it’s our job to establish and be firm about boundaries.  However, as our children become teenagers, this needs to become a more collaborative process.  Sitting down as a family, approaching household rules and family challenges as a team, helps everyone take responsibility for the outcome.

Discussions are more productive if you remember the 3 A’s:  Apologize, Appreciate, Ask.

Apologize: if you reacted poorly in a situation, offer a simple apology without justifying your behaviour or expecting an apology in return.

Appreciate: start the conversation by mentioning something that you truly value about your teen.

Ask: get curious about what happened and the reasons behind it.  Give your teen the opportunity to explain without judging.

Listen and learn, share your perspective, and together determine appropriate next steps.  It’s also a good time to brainstorm ways to strengthen the family relationship.

By asking for their input, listening and including their ideas, we are treating teens as peers.  This creates a circle of trust and respect that builds the foundation for an even stronger relationship as they (and we) get older.  Keep in mind that, one day, the roles will be reversed.  How do you want to be treated when you’re older?  The respect and consideration you invest into the teenage years will reap dividends in the years to come.

Julie Wise is a life and relationship coach, and the author of the forthcoming book, “Dream BIGGER:  Reclaiming a Life of Joy and Ease”.  She can be reached through her website at http://www.juliewiseconsulting.com